I have thought long and hard about this letter and how to say what I need to say to you before I go. Although I was not there for your birth, I feel as though you came from this now failing body. I have told you many times that you were a gift from God. Please believe me when I say that it is true. The day I got the news that you would be mine, I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend reminiscing about Momma’s eggs. She made the best eggs in the world. Do you remember? The phone rang, I answered, the social worker gave me the news, and I sat mute. Finally, I raised my grinning face up and told my friend so loudly that the entire restaurant heard me and clapped. I called everyone I knew that day to tell them the good news. I even told the trash men as I left the house to go pick you up.
When I got to the foster home, you were sitting on the floor clutching that raggedy old red and blue doll with the big red buttons. I so wanted to buy you a new doll, but you didn’t want one. I had begun decorating your room months before and had prayed every day that you would eventually call it home. When you would have bad dreams, I’d tiptoe into your room and rub your soft blond hair until you calmed down. Eventually, you stopped having those dreams, but you seemed to hold onto a small bit of sadness as you grew up. I recall you speaking to your stuffed animals one time telling them that they should smile more, but that you understood that sometimes even stuffed animals had to be sad. I know it took a while, but eventually, that sadness turned into smiles and I was blessed enough to be a part of the change.
I know that we had it hard sometimes. I worked too much and talked to you too little, but you were always my girl and I adored you. Even the time that you told me you hated me because you thought I didn’t want you to play with a girl in the neighborhood, I still loved you. I must admit that there were a couple of times where I wanted to strangle you, but the feeling passed quickly – like the time you snuck out of your window – I was so worried about you. Your teen years were a wild ride but look at you now. I have never been more proud!
I always knew you would be successful. When you got pregnant and moved out, I knew you’d make it through whatever came your way. When you dropped out of school and got into a few unsavory relationships, I still knew you would make it through. When you found out your daughter might have a physical disability and cried in my living room that day, I knew she would make it through – she’s just like you.
As I lay here and reflect, I realize just how much I love you. I realize the impact that you have had on my life. You helped me survive a heart-breaking divorce, and kept me from sinking into the grave I yearned for during one of the toughest times of my life. Your strength helped me even during your younger years. You helped me realize the preciousness of life in a smile, in each “Mommy” you said. You gave me something that I yearned for that I didn’t even think that God gave at the time; unconditional love. You saw me as your hero, and so I felt I needed to be. Without you, I would have never survived the car wreck, the divorce or the days that I thought I couldn’t live another day because of depression. You, the little blond headed girl with the doll clutched tightly in her hand stole my heart the first time I set eyes on you and I have never been the same.
So, as I write this, I want you to know that even as I leave this world, I will take that love that we have for one another with me. I want you to know that I am so proud of you for the mother that you have become and for all of the things that you have accomplished, but most of all I want you to know how much I love you and that you are a blessing. You are my little girl, my angel sent from Heaven, my reason for continuing on in this world for as long as I did. I thank God that I had the chance to be your mom. Thank you for all of the blessings along our journey together. I know that you will continue to be an outstanding mother and that your daughter will be as strong, as loving, and as wonderful as you.